There it was again.

Updated: Aug 25, 2020

Grief is so strange. One minute you're happy, and you're living and progressing, laughing again and loving, and the next you see a little reminder that brings on a flashback of memories. Memories that bring up this lump in your throat, tears in your eyes, and you are overcome with emotion.

Some might try to push those things away, but grief, I am seeing, can be my greatest teacher. Grief, and sadness, they remind me, when I have forgotten of the beautiful fragility underneath all things.

Today driving on my way home from SLC a dove flew in front of my car. Surprise!

But the surprise was a flashback of Jen Thorpe telling me about her cancer diagnoses and being terrified when they told her she had two months to live....

On Jens drive home one day, from devastating news, a dove flew in front of her car, in the same place I was today…

She said she went from being overcome with fear to feeling peace. The dove, brought peace and she had the distinct thought that everything was going to be okay.

That memory, lead me to remembering my life before I knew Jen. And what lead me to have the tools to share with her to at least help ease some of the pain she endured.

I remember getting sick as a teenager, and walking and crying with my mom, and she looked at me and said, "one day you will be grateful for what you're enduring, don't mistake local cloud cover for general darkness, there is sunlight behind these clouds." I remember the yoga video I was lead to, and getting healthy and getting sick again in college and having to move home. I remember wondering if I would live. I remember the work and labor and the miracles that allowed me to become well. I remember the night I prayed to God and told Him whether I lived or died, I wanted to devote my life to Him. I remember being lead to the place where I could get healthy.

I remember the Christian boy that was more passionate about Jesus than any friends I had at the time, and I remember wondering why I didn't praise the Lord in all that I did. I remember reading and studying and trying to persuade each other into each others religions. I remember that even though that friendship was challenging that it taught me about God in a way I couldn't have otherwise learned. I remember being grateful for the strange work God was doing in me.

I remember the young man trying to convince me to move to California, when I knew I was supposed to go on a mission. I remember praying about that and the dream of being in darkness and alone in California. I remember the flash in the dream of seeing me ride a bike next to a field and it was bright and I was scared, but I knew it would be the right choice. I remember not even knowing at the time where I was going. I remember not even really knowing women served missions at that time, and I remember being really insecure and scared. I remember the dejavue' at the missionary training center, and the instant best friend I made there. I remember teaching my first yoga class at 22 years old in the mtc and teaching it throughout my mission to other missionaries. I remember riding my bike by the field I saw in my dream.

I remember not wanting to talk to anyone when I got home. I remember moving to North Ogden, not knowing why. I remember being 24, suffering the loss of hopes and dreams... I remember wondering what I was doing in North Ogden.. I was alone, and yet I had this strange feeling that I was home. I remember locking my keys in my car and the locksmith that saved me. I remember getting hired by that locksmiths friend to teach yoga before I was certified because of him. I remember being given the opportunity to own the gym I taught at shortly after teaching yoga there and managing it. I remember thinking, how the heck do I own a business at 25, I came from the hood? I remember asking bank after bank to get the loan I would need, and the looks I was given, since I was a college student and still fresh off my mission. I remember not knowing why I kept looking and trying, I had nothing. Why would anyone give me a loan? I remember the thought, "with God all things are possible" and literally, somehow I was provided a way. I remember not being confident at all, but my boss was amazing and believed so much in me that I couldn't not believe in myself. I remember declaring my gym would be a place of love and healing. I also remember physically chasing people out of my gym when they would swear, and putting tape over their mouths, for some reason it was endearing to them so they kept coming back. Haha!

I remember praying for the building to have a shield around it, so angels could come to help people heal their souls as they worked out their bodies and hearing miracle stories daily in my office. I remember starting with ONE student, and then next thing I knew people were driving clear from Morgan just to come to class. I remember feeling heaven in that class, and watching people do and try things they never thought possible. I remember being grateful for my life battle with health because I honestly understood these people. I remember hearing stories of triumph and overcoming hard things, daily in my office. I remember sucking at owning a business but being a boss at making friends. haha.

I remember the guy yelling and spit flying in my face, and I remember asking if everything was okay at home and the tears that came to his eyes. I remember knowing people weren't intentionally mean they were mean because of personal pain. I remember being overwhelmed and just wishing I had a partner. I remember how much the members helped me when it was so crucial to expand. I remember the people that volunteered time and literally saved me thousands of dollars just because they loved the snap fitness fam.

I remember the countless hours of people helping me paint, put up mirrors, and the heart and soul all my trainers put into making their clients have huge success.

And then I remembered going through heartbreak and wondering if love was real and if I was capable of being healthy in a relationship because I didn’t know what healthy was. I remember praying and asking God to teach me.

I remember praying so hard for someone to just know I needed help because I didn't know how to ask for help. I remember my friend I met at church, and being put in the same calling, and that he wouldn't leave my side. I remember him changing lights, working out with me, reading scriptures, and helping me clean all the time.

I remember not knowing who Greg or Jen Thorpe even were. I remember my roommate saying their name, and something piercing my heart and soul so deep, just from hearing their names, that I started to cry, having no idea why. I remember hearing their story, and how they were changing the community by lighting it with love as she endured cancer treatments.